Breaking news: FIFA is the worst. Then again, that isn’t really breaking news, is it? Allegations of corruption, bribery, and racketeering are nothing new for the Fédération Internationale de Football Association. But the current investigation and arrests have really blown the doors off. Just about everyone is calling for the head of its controversial president, Sepp Blatter. In response, Blatter called an emergency FIFA meeting to address the scandal. Naturally, as one of North America’s biggest recreational sports leagues, the Sport & Social Club infiltrated the top-secret meeting and documented the whole thing. Here’s the full transcript.
Scene: A group of tall foreheads are gathered around a dimly lit board room, full of smoke and mirrors. In the centre, sitting in basically the Iron Throne from Game of Thrones, is the deceptively kind-faced Blatter. Across from him is Michel Platini, Head of the Union of European Football Associations (Uefa).
Michel Platini: Good morning, everyone. Mr. Blatter, in light of the controversy, we are relieved by your decision to resign as President. The time is right.
Sepp Blatter: Yes, Michel. I’m fully prepared to re-sign.
Platini: Great. Let’s start working on repairi—wait, what was that? Did you say…re-sign?
Blatter: Correct. I’m ready to re-sign for a fifth term as President. Where are the papers?
[Everyone in the room shifts awkwardly in their seats]
Platini: Uh, Mr. Blatter. Surely you see that this cannot work. The corruption charges have spread to the highest levels of the organization. Sponsors are running for the hills. With due respect, almost the whole world perceives you as an evil megalomaniac.
[An attendant comes around to fill people’s water glasses.]
Blatter: None for me. I brought my own.
[Blatter pulls out a bottle labelled ‘Tears of Brazilian children’, and drinks deeply.]
Newest FIFA Executive: Also, the presidency is an elected position, Mr. Blatter. You cannot simply decide you want to be president. FIFA must follow a fair and democratic process that upholds justice, transparency, and respect.
[Room erupts with laughter.]
Blatter: Hahaha…this new guy is a riot. It’s a shame what happened to him.
Newest FIFA Executive: Huh? I…but—
[Blatter pushes a button under the desk. The floor opens up under the New FIFA Executive, who plummets into a pit of lions.]
Blatter: He should have learned to mind his surroundings.
Platini: No but really, Sepp, as your friend, I must tell you: it’s time to quit. It’s the only way FIFA can recover from this catastrophe.
Blatter: You’ll have to forgive me. What does this word mean?
Platini: Catastrophe. Like a disaster. A crisis.
Blatter: No no, not that word. The one before that: ‘quit’.
Platini: Sigh…quit, Sepp. You’ve held this post since 1998. It’s time to quit. It’s time to step down.
Blatter: Step down….onto the heads of my opponents? Now I understand.
[British Prime Minister David Cameron storms through the doors.]
David Cameron: Mr. Blatter! This is too much. You have taken the beautiful game of football and dragged it through the mud. The world will no longer turn a blind eye to FIFA’s record of shocking human rights violations. The horrendous working conditions in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup have already led to the deaths of hundreds of migrant workers. Enough is enough! How have you gotten away with this for so long?
[The attendant comes back with a tray of food, trips, and sends it hurtling directly at Blatter. The food slides right off him like Teflon.]
FIFA Legal Counsel: Nothing sticks to this guy.
Cameron: Further, given the reports of fraud and money laundering surrounding Russia’s bid for the 2018 World Cup, the international community simply cannot allow this event to take place.
[Russian President Vladimir Putin bursts through the wall, shirtless, and Judo-throws Cameron out the window, then jumps out after him.]
Blatter: Everyone! Why are we fighting? Don’t you all know it’s my 80th birthday? Let us celebrate! Who brought the cake?
[A new attendant arrives – the last one was sent to the lion pit – bearing a massive cake with 80 candles. Blatter leans in and blows them all out in a single puff. Everyone watches on, amazed.]
Blatter: Don’t look surprised. Blowing out scandals is my specialty.
~Written by Sandeep Kembhavi
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